September’s promises.

Ah September, how I have longed for you. No, not for the changing colors of the leaves, nor for the start of school. On the other side of the world, this marks the start of fall. Here, it’s just another humid month in this tropical paradise. And school… that’s long over.

This year, September marks a turbulent time. Right now it’s the calm before the storm. Next week, however, I will be fastening my seatbelts, hanging on to my seat.

For one thing, we are finally ratifying our move into this city. It’s final. We just bought a house. This will no longer be tentative. Our situation will no longer be temporary. This is it! A new home. Not that there’s gonna be much difference. We will be the same dysfunctional people. We’ll just be dysfunctional people in a bigger place, with a five car garage. The thing is, the house we bought is over 50 years old, thus extreme rennovation is necessary. This will be my little project.

Business-wise, the first set is supposed to be finished within the month. So launchings, promos, and the whole shebang will soon follow. Stress. Need I say more?

September will also be the month of my broken ankle’s full recovery. I can walk now. Tried running, still hurts a bit. But pretty soon I’ll be completely okay. So then I can go on my battle with obesity. Well I’m not obese YET. But pretty soon I will be if I don’t do anything about it. So September’s end also promises me the chance to workout.

Home address is not the only thing that’s going to change this month. We’re also moving into a new office. More space. More work. Better schedule.

September also promises a visit from good friends. This will certainly be refreshing.

These are all milestones in my quest for a normal life. September promises a normal life. Sure, it will be turbulent, but when September ends, everything will be better.

Here’s to September! =)

3 hours ago I found myself sitting next to a guy who, for reasons that escape me, I find insanely attractive.

Yes I was attracted to this same guy too 6 years ago, when I first met him. HAHA I remember when he asked his mother who I was and his mother yelled to my aunt from across the room and said “HEY MARTHA, WHY DIDN’T YOU INTRODUCE MY SON TO YOU NIECE, HUH?!” and we both just blushed. Well sitting there years after and we were still sitting with awkward silence and barely even stealing glances at each other. Aunt Martha goes, Why don’t you teach her how to ride a horse? And my psychotic mind just goes green. HAHA.

Whatever. He didn’t talk to me 6 years ago, what makes me think we’ll be talking now? Still I wish I had broken the silence. Sigh. Regrets.

On another note his three year old nephew told me over and over again earlier that I was beautiful. Aren’t they the most honest at that age? Right, I’m stroking my own ego. The same three year old kid insisted on kissing me on the lips. Swell. Now if only his mother’s brother were as blunt. HAH.

I know I probably sound so effin full of myself right now, but can you blame me for being on cloud 9 after all those sparks that flew? HAH. Dream on kid, dream on.

This one guy all he has to do is ask, and I can move heaven and earth to get to him. I can.

This other guy has asked several times. Unfortunately I haven’t got the means to move to the other side of the world to be with him, much as I’d love to.

Such is life. You think you find the perfect person but there will always be one irreparable flaw. In these cases, they’re both perfect. But the accessible one is not mutual and the inaccessible one looks brighter and brighter.

Thus such is my challenge — Before the spark dies I should be at the other side of the world already. =(

Will I really up and leave everything for one person? Riiight.

I’m hating myself right now for having certain … feelings… for someone. Sure let’s call them that. “Feelings”. I’m hating myself more for being a tad too obvious. Although I think he was the only one who noticed. It’s not cool to wear your heart on your sleeve. It’s not.

how many times should you give someone the chance to break your heart?

If the world and the past were in my control, I’d reset the day I laid eyes on you and turn away.

We never should have met.

I never should have seen you.

I never should have talked to you.

But what’s done is done.

I keep saying true love doesn’t exist. That there’s no such thing as love that could conquer all, and transcend all human frailties. Part of me really does believe that. But I hate being right thus no matter how much of a cynic I may seem to be when it comes to this stuff, ultimately, I still hope I’m proven wrong.

And so it is that each time I watch a couple break up  it’s as though a dagger is punched through my heart because each relationship that’s torn apart only proves my hypothesis true. And although to me it’s an obvious fact, I can’t help but get hurt at how my negativity is right yet again.

I guess I am, after all, just another girl with the Disney Princess upbringing — I know Prince Charmings don’t exist, yet I continue hoping despite the fact that his non-existence is proven over and over.

I was bored one day and started chatting on Omegle.com. Go check it out, that’s a website where you can chat with random strangers.

One ’stranger’ asked me about the craziest thing I’ve ever done, and I came up with a hefty list. So here goes, in no particular order.

1. Drove to the mountains at 3 am, totally wasted, and woke up with my car parked at the side of the road not knowing where I was and how I got there.

2. Pole danced at a friend’s party while my friend danced on the table.

3. Fell for a married man.

4. Drank 3/4 of a liter of gin, smoked 2 joints then stood on the balcony and screamed “I think I can fly” and was actually thinking of jumping before my friends dragged me into the room where I played a game of tekken before passing out. Woke up on the floor covered by my own puke.

5. Kissed a random stranger at a bar in Europe after making out with the bar tender. Again, I was totally wasted and high.

6. Smoked pot in the University parking lot, in the Jesuit-run University I went to. Which pretty much meant I’d be kicked out if caught.

7. Spilled my heart out to the guy of my dreams who until that night did not know I existed. Swell first impression there.

8. Held a cigarette with my toes then smoked it. Pretty flexible, aye?

9. Sunbathed topless. We were on a raft in the middle of the sea. I dunno if anyone saw us.

10. Told my parents about all the crazy things I’ve done. HAHA.

There ya go. I’ll add to this list if I think of anything else.

I tell myself over and over again to but out of other people’s business. I have enough problems of my own, supposedly.

Somehow though, when you see somebody you love being messed with, you just can’t help it.

I want to kick my 11 year old cousin’s ass for being rude to my grandpa. Is that so wrong?

Sudden surges of emptiness.

Or maybe it’s just heartburn. I don’t know. I’ve had this feeling too often, yet its significance escapes me each time.

That hollow feeling in your stomach, that’s not hunger nor a hyper acidity attack. It’s just there. You want to burp it out but you know you can’t. You want to throw up but you know deep inside that that’s not it.

A feeling of emptiness, as though there’s something you should do or should have done and can’t do/won’t do or couldn’t do/wouldn’t have done.

Try to fill the seeming void with food or whatnot, but nothing would suffice. It’s a craving and not of the hunger nor the sexual sort. Just a craving to do a certain something. What sucks most is when you actually try to do that something and don’t get the expected results, you just get emptier and emptier, the void gets even bigger and the feeling gets even worse until eventually all you are is an empty shell.

Some people who have turned into empty shells have the priveledge of becoming numb. Other as am I are not as lucky. We go on feeling the emptiness. Carrying it with us day after day. The annoying thing about this emptiness is that it’s heavier than a burden. Heck any burden would seem much lighter than having to lug around an empty shell. At least a burden has substance unlike this which is just heavy yet hollow.

As you may have inferred, I’m really sad right now. I don’t even know why, I just am.

——————-

I want to be a part of your life. Give me scraps, give me a tiny morsel. That’s all I really need.

But we all know once one has had a taste of the morsel they’ll keep wanting more.

I am non-existent. I am invisible.