Uncertainty

My fingers shake as I type your name on my phone. It’s midnight. I haven’t talked to you in over a week and it’s your birthday. I still don’t know what this is but I’ve been thinking about this call since I typed in this date on my Blackberry’s calendar.

I retract and erase what I typed.

I’m not sure how a call from me would make you feel. Will it make you happy? Will you be asleep and will I end up waking you? Will you be with someone else? Will you be sobeR? Have you forgotten about me in the week that passed?

I change my mind. I feel so distant from you anyway. Why call?

12:05. I’ve been thinking for five minutes. I open my compter. No, you’re not online. I chat up my friends. Maybe I’ll be entertained. Hi-hellos with people I haven’t spoken with in a while.

12:07. Time seems to creep. I still have your smile etched in my subconscious. Will a call from me make you smile like that? Or is someone else making you happy?

12:09. The minutes really are creeping.

12:12. Click click click goes my mouse button. But nothing can distract me. I grab my phone and step outside.

12:15. I light a cigarette and pour myself a glass of coke. I take a puff. Halfway down my stick I say to myself, “I might as well.”

12:18. Hands still shaking, I press the green button. I scroll down. Your name is still there from when you last called me.

It’s ringing. I resist the urge to hang up. Still ringing.

I hear your voice. The music in the background is a little too loud.

Okay, he’s out. I thought.

Hey! Happy birthday!, I say in my most cheerful voice.

Hey! Thanks!

The music is now faint. I don’t know what else to say.

And to avoid the awkwardness, I make for the disconnect button.

That’s it! I just wanted to greet you!

Hey wait! Don’t go, don’t go!

Oh. Haha. Okay.

Let’s talk for a bit! Where are you now?

The music is now gone.

I’m home. You?

My sister threw me a surprise party! All my friends are here!

Yeah? Awww!

Haha! Yeah, I know! So hey, can you come?

Now? It’s a little late.

Oh. right, right. So… I’ll see you soon?

Yeah, okay! Have fun! Happy birthday!

Okaay, thanks.

Disconnect.

…

…

I can tell you were smiling. I heave a sigh. Well, that went well.